I am learning that when I travel, it really messes with me. I think because I get so worn out from the planning, preparing, traveling, visiting, staying up late, getting off schedule, coming home, doing laundry, catching up, etc. I get very tired and then my depression gets bad.

This time I went "home" to Atlanta. I was able to see and visit everyone I had planned to visit. My son behaved the entire time (which was a huge surprise to me). I actually think he had fun. But going back and visiting makes me homesick and sad. I've often said I don't feel like here is my home, but I've been gone from Atlanta for 19 years, so I don't feel like it is my home either. I just feel lost, I guess Like I don't belong anywhere. Like I'm visting here, even though I've lived here for so long. I still feel like a visitor. And when I go back to Atlanta, I feel like a visitor there as well. Everyone has their life and their routine, their friends, their families, their jobs. But me, I don't know.

I honestly feel like I could just disappear and nobody would notice or care. Oh sure, those few people that "need" me for something might notice I'm gone, but really, besides that, I doubt it would matter.

I'm not trying to have a pity party. It's just honestly how I feel. Lost. Like I don't belong.

Like I don't belong with my husband, like I don't belong in "his" family, like I don't belong in my neighborhood, etc.

I've always been a bit "different". I've always liked to be a little daring and a tad off-beat. I've never wanted to be "cookie cutter" like everyone else. I just wanted to be myself and enjoy life. I just now feel like I don't belong anywhere.

I've been detached from church since the ordeal with Lori. I haven't gone back to my Sunday morning group. I have gone to my Tuesday codependency group, but I'm not getting anything out of that group. It has dwindled down to about a quarter of what it was and I'm just not being "fed" there.

Searching. That's what I am. Searching for the place I belong, searching for reasons/explanations on how my life got here, searching for answers to make it better, but mostly searching for a connection to anything or anyone. And I just don't feel it. I feel empty.

I don't know what is going on. Do I think too much? Am I bi-polar? Is this my "desert" experience? Do I have a legitimate mental health issue?

I think I'm a nice person, a decent human being. What is wrong with me? Was my "family of origin" or upbring that far off and dysfunctional that I really am as screwed up as I feel?

I don't get how a person (me) who wants something (love/family) so badly can end up this far off the mark.

And so, because of all of this, my anger is horrible. And being the codependent I am, I do not ever let my anger show to anyone, lest that make them uncomfortable. No, I suck it up and keep it inside.

Except with my husband. He gets it, sees it, hears it.

Am I wrong to be angry with his choices and the consequences of those choices that all of us, including my children, will have to deal with for the rest of our lives? Am I wrong to be frustrated that nothing I want or do matters, and that no matter how much I give of myself, it is never enough or never right, etc.

Will it get better if I leave?

And why haven't I left already?

Did I mention that my daughter and I have not spoken in two weeks? Yep, two weeks ago tonight we had an incident involving the picture she had that was given to her by the teacher my husband had an affair with. It was pretty bad and neither of us have spoken since. How unhealthy/dysfunctional/sick is that?

I'm sad my husband made the choices he did, and that my daughter was intentionally placed in the middle of it by him I'm sad that I'm not healthy enough to "rise above" that and be the bigger person and "let it go." I'm sad that I'm so beaten down and worn out emotionally that I've given up, on him, on my daughter, on just about everything.

Caring about things in the past never got me anywhere or anything. The more I cared about people and/or things, the more I was disappointed. Up until my husband's affair with my "friend", I had always just "sucked it up" and never let it show that I was hurting. I kept a positive outlook, smile on my face. But his affair and how much it devastated me was the straw that broke the camel's back. The dam burst and I have since been unable to hold in/disguise my sadness, frustration, anger, depression. I just quit caring. It became too much of an effort.

And so now, I'm a hollow, sad shell of the person I used to be. I'm sad, lonely, miserable, lost, angry....I just feel sick.

And I'm so frustrated with everything and for having felt this way for so long, that I just want to SCREAM. I feel like I'm going to snap.

I imagine it is like when a baby doesn't receive any love or bonding or affection, and they just shut down, or bang their heads on the side of their crib, anything to just "feel" something.

What is wrong with me? Honestly? What is so messed up with my brain, my thinking, my 'being' that I've ended up like this?

At least I have an appointment with my counselor on Saturday morning. Then my husband and I are scheduled to see our counselor also this weekend. Maybe that will help. But honestly, I've even given up on anything helping. Nothing has to this point.

So, tomorrow we go into another weekend of walking through this house in silence...just anger and tension and sadness and dysfunction.

I need help. I'm waiting for help. Sadly, though, I don't think help is coming. ~k.