I can't believe how long it has been since I posted last. Lots has happened. We've seen our counselor two more times. A week ago we went, but that had been a horrible day before we even got there. I wasn't even going to go, so he left to go, then I drove separately. Earlier that day I had gone to the grocery store and ran into the teacher he had had an affair with AFTER the affair I caught him in. He denies it, she denies it, of course. But I knew..I could sense it. Now, he has admitted to her "laying on him" but no sex. RIGHT!!!! What cowards. If you're going to do it, at least have the balls to admit it.

So, I walked passed her on the way in. She was collecting money for the the Lyons club. But on the way out, I had to confront her. I couldn't help it. I just couldn't walk passed her like nothing had happened. So I sarcastically said "So, you're not going to say hello to me?" And she said, Hi, how are you. To which I replied...."Better...now that you're not f&*%ing my husband." Right there in front of the grocery store and the other bimbo she was soliciting with. The other gal said, "Let's get out of here." And I replied, "That's right you can screw around but you don't have the balls to admit. You're such a coward." I was SO mad. And all along I have just sucked it up and held my head high despite all the humiliation of him screwing around. But I just couldn't hold it in anymore.

It was low class, I admit it. But gosh dang it, it felt good.

So I called my husband and yelled at him. Because, of course, he is a Lyon...and funny...he never told me She was affiliated with them before. It makes sense now. That's the thing about hindsight!!!

So we had our appointment with our counselor after that. Not good as you can imagine. I asked her to refer me to someone for anger management. She did. I saw that counselor#2 this past Saturday. She, however doesn't think I have anger issues. She thinks what I'm doing is reacting to all these unresolved issues that are still present in my life. I liked her, counselor #2.

To backtrack a bit.....last Thursday I went into my daughter's room to tell her about a program on TV that I thought she would like. When I entered, I saw a frame with four pictures and an autographed napkin that had been matted and framed. It was photos of a band and an autographed napkin. The band was Maroon 5. I asked my daughter where she got it...but I already knew where she got it. From the above-mentioned teacher. That same teacher went to high school with the band and knows them well. I immediately knew it was from her. (My husband has encouraged a relationship with my children and this teacher even though I have forbid them ever being near her). But my daughter goes to school where she teaches (also against my will).

So my daughter got very defensive and defiant with me and started using the f-word, etc. It was ugly.

You know, I can't even walk into a grocery store or my daughter's room without running into this person and evidence of her presence. And the thing is...she is woman number 5, THAT I KNOW OF. (Can you imagine the ones I don't know of?).

So my question is....what the heck is WRONG WITH ME?

He is a serial adulterer.

And I stay because I'm afraid of being alone, or being poor. But this is no life. It is so unhealthy.

So we went to our counselor again yesterday, Sunday morning. (She does a few weekend hours). And it got ugly fast. In fact, I walked out after he sat there and lied and lied. I walked out and slammed the door. Then I got in the car and left his ass. Yep, left him, just like he left me a year ago and I had to call my neighbor for a ride home.

And just when I was feeling guilty and was going to turn around and go get him, he called, was an ass and hung up on me. So, I never went to get him. And the office was about 15 to 20 miles from our house. I still don't know how he got home.

I pretty much stayed gone all day.

This is all a big sick unhealthy dysfunctional head game.

What is wrong with me that I'm wasting my life enduring AND participating in this.

Because I'm sick too. I get that. I need help.

Whew.....

So I'm flying to Atlanta this Wednesday. I'm taking my son. That should be interesting. He's being pissy lately, I don't even really want to take him because I'm afraid he'll be rude and show his butt down there. I shouldn't think that....but I know him. He's out of control too. Just like everyone else in this family. Poor kid, he doesn't stand a chance.

But I'm going for my neice's graduation. Going to a Braves game on Saturday afternoon, going to the aquarium, visiting friends. It should be a good time.

And...I got a motorcycle last week. It's a Honda Reflex. It is really a scooter, a 250 cc automatic. But my daughter told me not to call it a scooter, because motorcycle sounds more cool.

I've got my learner's license. Actually got it two years ago. Just now got a bike. I'm having fun. I'll be taking the safety class in a few weeks to earn my license.

My friends are giving me such a hard time. Saying I'm going through a mid-life crisis. But it isn't an impulse thing. I've been thinking about it for a few years. And I'd like to think I'm helping the environment. I mean, it gets 80 miles per gallon.

So, it's clear I'm not normal.

Maybe I AM on the verge of a breakdown. Who knows?

I just know I still feel alone, still feel lost, and still feel really far away from God.

I'm a mess. Like a snow globe that has been shaken violently. That's me.

I really hate most aspect of my life.

Maybe I need an intervention of some sort. Hmmmmm.....

I'll let you know how my trip goes. Hopefully my son will behave and I'll be able to enjoy my friends and family.

~ k.