I haven't blogged for a while. Two weeks ago on Friday it was horribly snowy and very cold. I went to work at usual time of 6:30 am. Around 8 am, husband calls, yelling, stating he has just put our 15 year daughter "out" of the car on the way of the school. Apparently they are fighting because she is making late for work. Once in the car the fighting continues, and he told her to get out of the car. Now let me explain that said 15 year old daughter never wears a coat, as they cannot taken them to class and she never goes to her locker. So all she had on was a hoody and jeans and high top converse tennis shoes. It was 16 degrees with wind chill of 2 and blowing snow, and he put her out to walk. The ass. While he is yelling at me on the phone, justifying why he put her out and essentially saying this was as all things are)my fault, she called on the other lying. I of course hung up on him and took her call. She was crying so hard I couldn't understand her. I called a neighbor and asked her to go drive/look for my daughter to get her out of the Literally freezing weather (because I was a) on my way home by now and b) at least 20 minutes away). Tried to call daughter back several times, no answer. Neighbor couldn't find her either. I called husband back thinking he had grown a brain and gone to get her, but nope, he was warm and cozy at his office. Finally daughter called and said she was home. I arrived home shortly thereafter. Scared for her safety, pissed at him, debating on calling child protective services to report him. I got her calmed down, cleaned up, and to school. When I finally returned to work I had missed 2 hours.

Husband email to justify how he had to "walk to school when he was a kid". Yes, but I am sure he was prepared for that walk and dressed appropriately, not dumped on the side of the road. What an ass.

That night he went to a men's conference at church and has since become a "changed man." (Right!!....I'm not buying that bridge AGAIN!).

I blogged all this in much more detail that night, but somehow managed to hit cancel instead of submit after about 1-1/2 hours of typing.

Fast forward to last Thursday. We had counseling appointment at church with our pastor. I emotionally regurgitated in the pastor's office all the anger I had. (Actually only a portion of it, as I don't think it is possible to get it all out, there is so much).
Nothing solved, changed, addressed, etc. Same story, different day, year four.

Tonight - took both kids to counseling appointments, then son to religious ed. Husband picked him up and when they got home, son was in foul mood. It went downhill rapidly. They were going to build a fire in the fireplace. Son essentially built and lit fire, but he is a 12 year old with ADD and NO impulse control and very poor judgement skills (and husband thought it would be a GREAT IDEA to teach son to build fires this winter). And he has essentially created a pyromaniac. So tonight as son is building fire and husband of course is not supervising, son starts playing with matches, newspaper, etc. I correct him, and he blows up and gets very aggressive verbally. He then argues with me and his sister, ends up kicking his sister. I want to call cops because he already has assult charge for hitting me last summer (He is 12, for God's sake).

So all night was chao. Gotta go, will write more tomorrow.

Not much going on. Watching Oprah. Should be doing the treadmill, but I'm not. Maybe in a bit I'll do it.

Yesterday was hectic. I really don't enjoy driving in snow. I managed to get to where I was going and back. But I did slide down a small hill. It scared me, but I don't think my daughter even noticed. And, of course, the route I decided to take was a downhill street with a lake on each side. So I was white-knuckle driving. Granted, the snow wasn't bad, it was just slick. And on days like that, I wish I had a bumper sticker on my car that said "I'm from the South....go around me."

The kids had their appointments with their counselor. It went well. I met with her briefly afterwards and went over a few things. I didn't make it to my meeting at church. And my son didn't make it to religious ed either, both because of the weather.

Had a good evening at home though. My daughter actually opened up to me about some stuff going on in her life. She made me promise to not share with my husband. It was nothing too major and I was glad she felt safe and secure enough to share with me.

My son, however, got grounded for a week for telling me to "shut up." He was playing Xbox 360 before doing homework and of course didn't want to stop. So, I took the controller, removed the batteries, hid it and told him he was grounded for one week. I explained that in the future each time he says this, to expect the same consequence. Ugh. It is always something with that child. There is never a stress-free night in my home.

Still silence with the husband, some basic communication about daily stuff. Double Ugh.

He pointed out that I had forgotten to do something he directed me to do (see prior entry about me being home-secretary). He then asked if I would go out and do it. (Which would have meant driving in the snow again last night). To which I laughed. Not a happy laugh, but a 'you've got to be kiddin' me, I'm not going out in that snow' laugh. I'm sure the fact that I forgot will be used against me in a fight. Heck, everything is used against me in a fight.

Still lonely in this marriage.

He's going to a men's conference tomorrow night/Saturday morning. I've been invited to the movies with a friend from work tomorrow night. Want to go, but don't want to leave the son home alone or with his sister. Saturday morning coffee with a group of friends from my Sunday group. So far, that's all the plans for this weekend.

I need to paint my son's room. It is next on the list of things to do to keep me busy in this house so I don't have to relate to my husband. (Not that he is relating to me). Maybe I should change the title of the list to 'Things I do to keep sane in this awful marriage.'

So, that's all I have for now. Such an exciting life I lead!!!

Just about to leave work and wanted to post. This afternoon is going to be crazy. Both kids have appointment with their counselor, one at 3, the other at 4. Then at 6 I go meet two gals/counselors at Church. One I believe is a counselor and the other has an in-depth knowlege of scripture, and they work together. This will only be my third time meeting with them, so we haven't gotten too deep into any issues yet. But they do offer encouragement and clarity, all scriptural based.

So the next few hours will be running around town in the car....and did I mention it is snowing?! So rush hour will be fun!!! Since I'm originally from the South, I am not particularly fond of driving in snow.

Last night was quiet at my house, as is the cycle my husband and I normally follow....Step 1: Fight, Step 2: Silence, Step 3: He acts like nothing happened and I walk around mad/upset, etc. So today we're in the walking around in silence mode. I guess that is better that arguing.

Yesterday I was sleep deprived because of getting up at 2:45, and then arguing with him, I was wiped out and emotional. I contacted a few friends from church via email but it was not until I got home and read some out of the book The Power of a Praying Woman, as well as Battlefield of the Mind that I got myself centered again.

So today has been better.

Gotta run for now. Might post later tonight.

I got up at about 2:45 a.m. to let my three dogs outside. When I came back to bed, my husband woke up. We then proceeded to argue until I got ready for work and left around 6 am. So, I exhausted from no sleep, and worn out from fighting with him.

I'm defeated. I can't fix this.

I've emailed the pastor that we sometimes see together, as well as reached out to two friends in my support group but have heard nothing back from anyone.

Just trying to turn it over to God. Focus vertically on Him.

My fears have kept me in this marriage. I know there comes a point where staying is worse than leaving. Today, I want out.

It is clear to me that our marriage will never get better. It's been almost five years and it has gotten progressively worse, with me taking one emotional beating after another. I'm numb.

I pray that God gives me the strength to overcome my fears. I want to focus on God's will for my life, but frankly, today, I don't see it, no sign of it, nothing.

So far so good, as Monday's go. It was an unusual morning in that normally I'm gone early and my husband gets the kids up for school. Son rides car pool and husband takes daughter. I go in early (6:30 a.m.) so I am able to pick said kids up from school. But since husband left to go out of town this a.m., I had to do the morning stuff. Not a problem. It went pretty easily, considering I'm not a morning person, and neither is my son.

Went to work and after about two hours the fire alarm went off and we had to evacuate the building. Not a problem except it was 21 degrees outside..brrrrrr. But, a few of us crawled in my car and got toasty warm while the fire trucks came and went. I'm sure they hate us (our company) because the fire alarms get tripped about once a month.

The rest of he day went uneventfully. The only contact I had with husband was when he called for me to do "secretarial" stuff for him. Granted this was stuff for "the family", but lately, he really treats me like I'm his "home secretary." But sometimes it not what you do, but how you do it. Just an observation of something that has been bugging me the last few days.

So, he won't be back until later. Maybe back in town by 7, but has a Monday night meeting at work. So I may or may not see him before that meeting. Then I'll go to church and be home around 9 or 9:30. So very minimal contact.

When I picked my son up from school today, I noticed his hair was dirty. Hygiene is a huge issue I have with my son. He is at an age where hygiene is not important to him. So, that too is a battle. He showered this morning, but for some reason that only a 12 year old understands, did not use shampoo. I'm easy going and can go with the flow, but his lack of hygiene drives me crazy. When I picked him up, as he walked to the car, I could tell his hair was not clean. I didn't approach the subject right away, but on the drive home I casually asked him if he had used shampoo this morning, to which he replied No. As a mom, I tried to explain that if I could tell his hair was not clean, so could others. And that it was important for him to use proper shampoo, soap, etc. So needless to say, the ride home was not the best we've had.

My daugher went through a similar phase around that age. Hopefully he will snap out of it, just as she did. But yuck.

Next subject: I thought I would give a little history of meeting my husband, our marriage, leading up to his affair. Not that anyone is following my dysfunction. I grew up in the South. My friends we so important to me, specifically because of the dysfunctional family in which I was raised. After I graduated college, one of my closest, lifelong friends got married. I was in her wedding. Her husband was from the Midwest and several of his friends came down to be in the wedding. It was at he wedding that I met my husband. He was a groomsman and I was a bridesmaid. And our respective best friends were married to each other. After my friend's wedding, they lived in the South. I dated my husband long-distance for over a year, becoming engaged during that time, and eventually moving to the Midwest to live with him. We had talked every night for hours and visited many times over that time and we both thought we had gotten to know each other well. I moved here in time to go through pre-marital counseling that the Catholic church has you undergo before you can get married in the church. We were married and there were issues from the beginning. Hindsight is 20/20, but at the time we were both mid-20s, working, adjusting to being married, me adjusting to being homesick since I'd left my family, friends, job, moved 1000 miles and even changed religions for my husband. But I always felt, and told him many times, that I felt like his lowest priority. (Now I truly believe he didn't know what to do with me when he got me here).

He was a workaholic from day one, and the more I asked him to spend time with me, the more he threw himself into his work. Needless to say, I was very lonely and I didn't understand why the only time he gave me attention was 10:00 at night when he wanted sex, and that was it. He left early in the morning, worked, coached, then we would go to the gym "together" although he would workout in the men's area and I would be alone in the women's area. I guess I thought as newlyweds we spend time like that together, working out, etc. But I was wrong. And on Sundays during football season, he would go in to "break down" film and be gone froma bout 8 am to 9, 10, or 11 pm. Here I was in a strange town, alone all the time. I'm independent and outgoing, so as time passed, I made my own friends at work and found my own way. But things were tough from the beginning. And whenever I'd get upset about him being gone, he would said he was doing it for "us". But in my heart that was not "us" just him and his job, and then me. I felt rejected by him from the beginning.

Time went on and we settled into a "life" that consisted of him being gone all the time. To begin with he was a teacher and coach. Then he did personal training. Then he started on his Master's degree. So with work, coaching, trainign and school, I was alone constantly. But then we had our first child and I had someone to love and spend time with and things go a little better for me. I was working, raising a child, finding my way. But as my husband's career progressed, we had to move several times to accommodate promotions he received. Which of course meant me leaving any friends I had made, packing up and moving to the location of his job, and starting from square one again. Of course he was advancing in his job and everyone loved him. He was the Golden Boy. Up the ladder he climb, his ego getting fatter and fatter. We had our son and I finally quit my job to be a "stay home mom". But in reality I was raising two kids, babysitting a few more, and then working from home at night doing what I could to earn money. So even though I was a "stay home mom" I was working many hours and making as much money as I was working full time.

My relationship with my husband has never been great, but I thought in the scheme of things we were at least average. I believe we are both decent, good, intelligent, funny people. (Just together me make up the perfect storm!). We got along okay as long as we were talking about the house, kids, jobs, etc. But it was our relationship that has and is the sticking point.

And all along there were "red flag" to me. In each town there was also "someone" I felt uneasy about. I know my husband and I can tell when he is acting differently around people. And there were a string of women in each place that we had issued about. Of course he denied and denied, and I never have evidence and really didn't believe he would cheat (because he is so concerned with his public image).

Six years ago or we moved back to the town in which my husband was raised. At the same time, his friend who married my friend and who had also been raised here, moved back to town. I was so excited to have one of my lifelong friends living in the midwest with me. We didn't live close enough to see each other often, but we did see each other every now and then for football games, cookouts, etc.

A few years after that, in January, we got a call from her saying they were divorcing. I was not home at the time and my husband took the call. (I believe this is when their affair started, at least at an emotional level). The very next month she called to say she had been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. So, needless to say, we took her side (hindsight I see for "different" reasons). I worked very hard at emotionally supporting her, inviting her over to our home on the weekends her kids were with their dad so she didn't have to be alone, etc.

It was in May at my son's first communion that I first noticed it. After church everyone came back to our home for dinner. The weather was bad and the tornado sirens actually went off, so we all headed for the finished basement. I had about 20 people or so in my house and with the kids and the weather, it was crazy. But at one point I saw my husband and my friend and something just struck me wrong. They were too close, definitely in each other's personal space. She was sitting and he was leaning over talking to her and it seemed very....intimate.

I'm not a jealous person, but it seemed odd to me, but not something out of the ordinary odd, just women's intuition or something.

So in June she moved back South where we grew up. Her kids stayed here for summer visitation. In July I went home for a class reunion. That very weekend, after the reunion, she was coming back to the midwest to get her kids and move them back down south. I was staying in my home town to visit relatives a few days longer. And not thinking anything of it, I invited her to stay at my home, with my husband and son, who had not accommpanied me to my reunion down south. (Are you following me?)

It was that weekend that my husband "tried" to have sex with her in my daughter's bed, not once but twice. I used the word "tried" very loosely because I'm convinced they did have sex that weekend. They both deny it, but she did tell me he came into her room twice for sex. She also told me it was then he started telling her he loved her. (Which is the same thing he did with me in our beginning).

That was July. And I didn't know any of this was or had gone on.

My friend was now moved and I was busy with kids and summer, etc., so I only talked to her once or twice after she moved. She was living with her sister, waiting to close on her house down there.

In September, my husband told me he was going out of town for work to a grant-writing seminar. He told me it was to be held at the Federal Building in a town in an adjacent state. This struck me weird because according to him the seminar was on a Saturday, and I did not believe federal buildings were not open on Saturdays. Hindsight is 20/20, but at the time, not being suspicious, it struck me as weird, but heck, what did I know about grant-writing seminars for federal grants, right? AND, I even offered to call and get directions for me (being the nice wife I am -- what an idiot!).

So that weekend he left town, kissed me as he left. Later that day, I was mowing the grass (because being the nice wife I am, I didn't want him to have to do it when he returned home the next day). And honest to God, it struck me like a bolt of lightening. I truly believe it was a God moment, and in the middle of the yard, it all came together, and I just knew.

I tried to call him several times and could not reach him. So I looked through a box that we throw our receipts into and there I found a receipt for a long-distance calling card. Now, he works in education and he could have said it was for a teacher going on an out of state field trip, and I would have believed him. But when he finally called and I started questioning him, I think I caught him off guard. Of course he denied everything, and at this point I only had a hunch something was going on, and no idea of who it was with. Finally, I asked him about why he bought a calling card, to which he replied "I'm not going to discuss it with you." And I said if he didn't discuss it, the locks would be changed when he returned home the next day. His replay was "Change the locks then." So I lost it and told him if he didn't tell me who it was, I was packing me and the kids in the car and driving to his hotel. It was then he told me it was my friend.

His story of course was they were just "talking" on the phone and he was giving her support for her son and trying to be the middle man between his friend/her ex, and her. Initially I believed it. We argued for a while and then hung up. So I thought I would call her to get her side of the story.

The phone number I had was her sister's as she had just closed on her house and moved. I called her sister in Atlanta and politely asked for her new phone number. Her sister told me she would give it to me, but I would not be able to reach her, as she was out of town, visiting friends in....you guessed it...the same town my husband was in.

I tried to call her on her cell, but no answer of course (she was there with him). I called him and he was defiant, mad, mean, etc. We fought on the phone, the whole time he denied that she was there. When he returned home the next day, he kept denying she was there.......until I found her flight information in his bag where he had picked her up at the airport in the town they met in.

To be continued.........