The unbelievable happened this week. On Wednesday, my son's first day back from break, there was a shooting in his school. Both the principal and the assistant principal were shot. Then, the gunman, who was a student, left the campus in his car and ended up committing suicide in a nearby industrial area parking lot. I still can't believe it. It is so surreal, sad and senseless to me. And trying to make sense of the senseless doesn't work.

The school is where my ex-husband was the former principal. I know the assistant principal well, as she worked for my ex while we were married. I've had her in my home and done social things with her. I only know the new principal from my normal dealings with him with my kids attending that school.

On Wednesday, I had just returned to my office after lunch when my son called. He said they were in a code red and were locked down, and that he was in the kitchen of the school, along with the other students who were in the cafeteria when the shooting occurred. He asked if I had access to a TV and thankfully I did. And the rest of the afternoon, I spent watching the TV, while the kids remained locked down for three hours.

It was unsettling, all the unconfirmed reports flying around about who did it, about their whereabouts. All the schools in the district were locked down for a while until they determined the shooter had killed himself.

The initial news was that two males were shot in the office, but actually it was one male and one female. They life-flighted the asst. principal to a nearby trauma center and took the principal in an ambulance.

My ex-husband was in communication with his former employees there in the building and he kept me posted on who was injured and what the status was.

The kids were finally dismissed room by room and escorted to an adjacent church where parents could pick them up. They weren't allowed to return for their cars in the parking lot as it was still a crime scene.

Later that evening, my ex-called me to say that Vicki, the assistant principal had died of her injuries.

I know Vicki. And she really was a very, very nice person. She was just sitting at her desk, doing her job when the kid, whom she had suspended earlier that morning for driving his car on the football field, returned to her office with a gun and shot her twice.

I can't imagine the surprise and fear she experienced in her last moments. And I can't wrap my mind around what a waste of life, losing her and that teenager who killed himself. I feel so bad for their families.

As the week goes on, I find myself asking what is the point of this life? I was married for 21 years and why? What was the point? And I saw Vicki as she lived her life, getting knee replacement surgeries, obtaining her Masters and Docturate, and why? What was the point of going through all that just to have it end like this?

I guess the older I get, the less I know. And while I have my faith and know in my heart that God uses everything for good, when something like this happens, it is hard to swallow and to understand and to accept.

So now my struggle in my mind is why am I here? Why am I living this life, enduring all these struggles. What is the point or is it all just pointless?

What is the point of having a career, getting married, having kids, buying homes, working and planning for the future, if it all is for nothing?

Vicki's funeral is Tuesday. I don't think I'm going because of all the stuff with my ex-husband and all the women who will be there that he cheated with. It's just too hard for me...all of it.

I just home God really does use this for good. It's just sad and senseless and a waste of human life.

~k.

Last week was relatively calm at home. With Tori gone it was just me and Tomas.

There was a lot of texting between Jon and me regarding Tori. It stared with him wanting me to give her money for food. I didn't respond. I figured, I have food at the house...if she moved out then she made the choice to move away from the food. The next day he asked if she could get her car back. My response was if she was living with me and behaving appropriately, she could have the car. If she moved out, was emancipated or if custody changed, the car stayed with me.

Then he started texting saying she wanted to come home. Of course SHE never communicated with me after her tirade last weekend with calling me all sorts of names AND throwing picture frame at me as I was sleeping.

I told him she could come home after we went to counseling together. The counselor was able to get us in on Monday 1/3. I told him we would talk about it after that.

I haven't talked to Tori. But what I HAVE done is realized that I don't have to take that type of behavior from anyone. I do not treat her or anyone like that. And I won't be treated that way in my home.

So, we'll see what happens at and after the counseling appointment.

I'm just done with fighting with people AND with getting walked all over. Life is too short for this unhealthy dysfunction. Hopefully one day Tori will realize how good she has it.

I think I'm realizing how I'm enabling her.

She graduates in May and has never had a job, she does no chores at the house, if I ask her to do anything she behaves as if she is appalled to have to do anything for anyone. I know that is the nature of being a teenager, but she is over 18. She needs to learn about the real world, and quick.

Besides that, I had a relatively calm New Year's Eve. Jose and I went to Kobe Japanese Steakhouse. It was wonderful. Each year I like to go to Genjii for dinner. It's sort of a tradition. This year I waited too long to make reservations, so we ended up at Kobe. I have to say I liked it better than Genjii. The kids were with their dad this weekend,so it was just the two of us. We had a good time, then went to his house to watch "The Tourist." I feel asleep before it was over. I normally fall asleep watching movies after I've eaten a big meal. It's a deadly combination, big meal, laying down, dark room = sleep!!!

I'm working today at my part-time job. Only 4-1/2 hours left to go.

On Thursday, I met with my sis-in-law who is my mortgage person. We're working on buying the house I'm renting. Hopefully we'll close in January. She said around the end of the month, but I'm going to Tampa on the 26th and not returning until the 30th, so it will have to be before that (preferably) or after that). I'm afraid that I won't be able to handle my house payments. I've just got to get my debt under control. I think after I close on my house, IF I close on my house, I'm gonna go to credit counseling and get on a program to pay my debt down. I need help with that.

It seems that so many things are out of my control as far as my finances. Clearly I would not have racked up so much credit card debt had I know I'd be here now. Hindsight is 20/20, I guess. All I can do now is be responsible and pay it down. I have a lot of medical bills I was awarded in the divorce. I'm innundated with those payments too. I'd say all of those are for Tori counseling appointments, ER visits when she has attempted suicide over the past year, and inpatient bills from where she was admitted to the psych hospital. So, needless to say, there are LOTS of medical bills to pay off.

I'm hoping 2011 will be the year I get settled and get some stability in my life. Here's hoping!! ~k.

Some better....some worse.

I didn't have to work on Friday. The day went relatively fast. I had plans to meet a friend at church for Christmas eve services. My kids were still here when I left, as their dad was picking them up. I went to church and I have to say I was very emotional. I have really been strugling with feeling lonely and lost. I can't believe I'm 45, living in Nebraska with no family and starting over in my life. I should be loving life and married to a great man and raising our kids, looking forward to our daughter's graduation. But instead, I'm lonely, lost, broke, depressed.

So I went to church and I felt better. When I got home, however I saw that Jon had left two big bags of gifts from him to the kids under my tree. And that made me upset. He had them Christmas eve. He should have celebrated his Christmas with them on that night. But instead I felt like he was imposing on our Christmas morning together. It was like, we AREN'T a family anymore, but he just had to have them open His gifts on Christmas morning at my house.

So, I put their gifts from him in their respective rooms. Because I wanted our Christmas morning together to be just ours.

When the kids got home, Tori was furious. I could hear her call her dad on the phone and say I "threw" his gifts on her bed. I went to her room and said I didn't do anything with malice, I just didn't want him imposing on our morning.

I think she was also mad because Jose was here. He and I had talked just that evening, the first time in over a week. And he came over after I got home from Church. I think Tori was bent out of shape because he was here.

The next morning, I made a big breakfast and Tori wouldn't get up to eat with us. She also did not come open her gifts with us, so Tomas opened his alone. She never came out of her room.

After noon, I laid down for a nap. I was sound asleep when I heard my bedroom door suddenly open. I was jolted awake and Tori threw a picture frame at me and hit me in the arm. It was a triple frame with pictures of her and Tomas in it. Sound asleep and she throws a picture frame at me.

Later that day, I passed her in the hallway and she called me the "c" word. She also called me the "wh" word and the "sl" word within about a half hour. I finally had enough and told her she had to go. That I was not living in a house with a person who was abusive like that.

I later went out with Jose to the movies. When I got home, she was being awful. I asked her when she was getting "emancipated" and told her she needed to leave the house on Sunday because she was so out of control with her behavior and actions and words.

On Sunday I was in my bathroom in my bedroom. My door was shut and my TV was on. I heard Tori at my door saying something about the attorneys. Apparently she wanted the hairdryer from my room and I had not heard her knocking. By the time I opened the door, she was pissed and saying she was calling the attorneys.

I had had it. I was NOT going to live in a house with a person who was bullying me.

She was behaving JUST LIKE HER FATHER behaved the last several years of the marriage. He had modeled the behavior and she was speaking and acting and threatening just like him.

So I told her she had to leave.

So, she called the sheriff. Apparently her dad told her the next time I told her to leave, she was to call the cops.

(He of course had not told her to behave and not call her mom the "c" word).

So the sheriff came and after I told him she had called me those choice names and had thrown the frame at me, he scolded her. She just stood there and gave me such an eat shit look. He even commented that she could "mean mug" me all she wanted, but she was over 18 and I could throw her out. She was not happy. He also told me I could file an assault charge for throwing the frame at me. She was not happy about that either.

At the time, Jose arrived and the sherrif left and I left with Jose as planned.

We went to eat lunch and we watched a movie at his house. When I returned home at about 7 pm, Tori had moved out. She took her bed, her clothes. She even took my dog with her.

Jon was texting me all day about this mess.

I am just emotionally drained from them. And I knew what today was going to look like. Emails with the attorneys, etc.

Today wasn't as bad as I thought though. Jon texted a few times. I talked to him once. That was it.

And now, I'm just wiped out. I really don't think they know how they wear me out. Maybe they do and that is part of their plan. Either way, I'm worn out.

Just can't keep up with any more of this chaos.

~k.

Sad and lonely. That's what I am.

This week has been weird with my kids. Tori is still not speaking to me. According to her dad, she is "working with a social worker" in an effort to emancipate herself. He said it was all her idea. I don't believe him. I think he literally just wants to rip what is left of this once-family into shreds. He won't be happy until there is nothing left. But at this point, I just have to detach. She will be 19 in 10 months anyways, so to me it is not really an issue. However, if she does emancipate herself, I'm done supporting her financially. That will include her car, insurance, cell phone, tuition, etc. If she wants to be "on her own" she can be "on her own." I guess.

It just saddens me because each of them are so dead set to be rebellious and do things that continually destroy our family.

But, being in recovery, I have to "let go and let God" handle it. None of this is healthy. I want each of us to be healthy and happy. Maybe I just have to let her go, so she can be on her own in the real world and maybe then she'll appreciate how good she has it at my house.

I guess I've been spending too much time alone and thinking about this stuff. Plus, I'm PMS'ing and my hormones are jumping around, as is my emotional mood with them.

I am SO DOWN right now. My relationship with Jose is over. My relationships with each of my kids are bad. I have no family here to spend the holidays with. Everyone else has family and plans and I have nothing and noone.

I really wonder what God has planned in my life. Am I destined to forever live in conflict with people? Is it really me that is causing these problems? Am I that awful and undeserving of love?

I just don't get it.

So, tomorrow night, Christmas eve, I'll spend alone, as I did Thanksgiving. The kids will be with their dad and his family. I'll have them on Christmas day. I'm sure it probably will be the worst Christmas ever.

Can't believe my life is this bleak and sad.

~k.

It is 12:20 am and I am a mess. I'm really at the end of my rope. My kids are out of control. They are defiant and I'm done.

Today was the last day of school before winter break. Tomas walked home since there was an early release. So since I didn't need to pick him up from school, I ran by the mall to buy gifts for co-workers. I got home at about 6:30 or so. His friend Ryan, who is a girl, was here. They had already eaten before I arrived home. So I proceed to wrap the 10 gifts for coworkers at the dinner table. All night I kept asking Ryan who was picking her up. She would always respond with a vague answers of "a friend."

Ryans parents NEVER drive her. In fact, I've never met them. I am forever going to pick her up and drive her home. I was afraid this was going to happen again today and, because I didn't want to drive her home, I kept asking them who was getting her.

I went to bed at about 9:30 or 10:00. Ryan was still there. Tomas kept arguing with me that someone was on their way to get her. I had a hunch that nobody was. I fell asleep and at 11:30 I woke up and she was still here. I was furious. She defiantly refused to call her parents, and last Friday defiantly refused to give me their phone number, so I had no way to call them.

I was so mad, because just as I expected, I had to drive the kid home, except now it was almost midnight.

Tomas argued with me all the way there. I was furious because these kids have no respect for any of my rules, they think they can do what they want, etc.

On the drive home I asked her where her parents thought she was and her response was "with Emily."

Apparently her parents thought she was spending the night with a friend, when in reality she was at our house, with a boy.

I was not happy about the lying, or the disrespect.

When we get to her house, I get out and knock on the door....nothing. Then Ryan starts backtalking me about not waking her parents up because they have to work, and how disrespectful I am to her, etc. A KID!!!!

Tomas literally GRABBED me by my arm and was cussing at me, using the F word, etc. I should have called the cops right then and there.

Ryan entered the house through the garage door and shut it behind her. I knocked on the door again, and Ryan opens it. I can hear her mother's voice asking who is at the door from her upstairs bedroom, but she doesn't come to the door.

Finally, I just have had enough and I leave.

On the way home, Tomas and I do nothing but argue.

I am SO DONE living my life with this chaos and nonsense.

I really think this is the last straw. Tomas is defiant, he got physical with me again, he was cussing, etc.

I have no control over him.

But I do have control over myself and I am miserable living this life.

I really think I have to seriously give these kids back to Jon and let him deal with the dysfunction he has created.

I am getting so depressed again. I haven't been THIS depressed for the longest time.

I really think it is time for me to leave Omaha and let Jon keep the kids, and me move back to Atlanta and just start over.

I am financially ruined by this life and this divorce. I am going to have to declare bankruptcy before it is over.

I AM DEFEATED.

I have to let go. I can't live my life with this dysfunction and chaos and yelling and drama every day.

I can't believe my life has come to this.

I really think I have to walk away from it all.

~k