So during my daughter's counseling appointment two weeks ago, just as I predicted, she did nothing but talk about how she hates me, etc., etc. The husband sat there and enjoyed it. I, of course, am the BAD ONE. She said she wants us to divorce and that (today) she wants to live with him. But she said she doesn't like him any more than me, but that she would be more "financially secure" if she stayed with him. (Gee, where did she learn THAT from? Ouch!).

Since then, two weeks ago, the husband I have done another "cycle" of him being nice to me, saying he loves me, wants us to stay together, etc. Blah, blah, blah.... But not to worry, we've complete that cycle and as of yesterday we're back to square one.

Today he sent me a nasty email trying to waste another day of our lives, but I told him I wasn't going to play that today.

But that's okay because it's 8:43 pm right now and he's STILL at work. And did I mention that he is "on vacation" this week? Yep, he took the WHOLE week off to spend with the kids. But, being the TYPE A personality he is, he just HAD to go in for a "half-day", and now, it's almost 9pm and he's "Still at work"...Riiiiigggghhhhtttt! So, same story, different day, week, month, year, decade, etc.

And did I mention that tomorrow is our anniversary? Yep, 19 years of blissful happiness.......not!

On another note...I took my motorcycle course at the safety council this weekend. I made a 98 out of 100 on my written test and on my riding test, I FAILED....yep failed. Apparently, on the "quick stop" part of the test, I stopped too quickly. Yep, that is what he told me. I "anticipated" the stop. I stopped at 7 feet instead of the 14 feet is should have taken me. So, I get to take the driving test again in two weeks.

So at least I'm consistent in my failure-ism. Just call me loser!!! :)

But, what's worse....not trying something new, or trying something new and failing once (or twice or three times?!!!).

I think it's funny. Really. Like everything else, I can tell you how it should be "on paper" but when it comes to executing it, I miss the mark completely!!!!

I also think it's funny that I could do the figure 8, the swerve exercise, the "cornering" exercise, but it was the easy, go straight, then stop that I screwed up.

Oh, well....everything happens for a reason!!!!

So, today I'm sunburned from being out on an asphalt parking lot for 10 hours this weekend. Just insult to injury!!! The epitome of my life.

But I'm in a good place today and I can laugh about all this. At least there's that!!!

Gotta go! ~K.

This is just a post to document stuff going on in my house these days. On Tuesday, my husband took me off our joint cell phone account which we have had for 12 years. So I had to go open my own cell phone account.

That night we got in a big fight, still continuing on from Sunday night and the "no sex" fight. He called me a whore. Said he hated me because "I was me." Said a few other things to hurt me (because that was his goal). Told me he was going to file for divorce.

BUT of course he didn't. Said he would "Talk to me" last night at home, but of course we sat here in silence. Monday I had tried to talk to him and he flat out REFUSED. So last night we were supposed to "TALK" and since he refused when I tried, I waited for him to initiate the conversation. Of course we sat side by side for two hours on the couch and he never spoke to me.

Then today he blamed ME for us not talking.

It is the "moving target" that he keeps moving that I cannot seem to hit. (That's the game, ya know....keep moving the target so Kelly never hits it, and then blame HER for things being screwed up).

But the thing is, I don't want to play this game any more.

So we argued via phone and email today and "TALKED" when we were both home tonight, except, of course he has nothing to offer and when I offer solutions, he simply criticizes them and blames me once again for the problems.

Blah, blah, blah.....

So TOMORROW he's filing for divorce.........hmmmmmm......

So, besides that...still not speaking to my daughter...not since May 15th, because of the incident regarding the "gift" that the teacher my husband was screwing gave to my daughter. Somehow, I'm even the bad guy in THAT situation. Hmmmm....because I'm not welcoming and tolerate of gifts to my children from one of my husband's sluts....I'm the bad guy.

(Let me clarify that I try speaking to my daughter but she will not acknowledge me, in typical 15-year-old girl fashion). So it is not for me not trying to initiate communication with her. She has learned from her father those skills.

Boy, they are all RIGHT and I am all WRONG. How did they luck out to get such a crappy wife and mother as me?

I should just keep my mouth shut, let him screw who he wants, and let the 15 year old have no boundaries either....and then everyone will be just fine and dandy.

Why is it that I'm the only one who sees the problem in it all. Hmmmm.....

Maybe THEY are right.....maybe I've got it all wrong.....

I guess only time will tell....and in the meantime, this family crumbles even more.

My daughter has a counseling appointment tomorrow at 10 that her dad and I are attending. So, we'll see what happens there. I'm sure it will be more of the same....I'M THE BAD GUY.

Maybe I should just agree with them all and save us the money we're spending on counseling and attorneys.

Maybe I'll get a shirt printed that says "I'm the bad guy." Just to make it clear, in case there is any question or doubt.

Just another HAPPY day in my loving family.

~ k.

Yesterday was pretty quiet. Did some errands, took the dog to the groomers, etc. Called home and offered to take my husband and the kids out for dinner but he was already cooking. Ate dinner. Took husband and son out for ice cream. Things were going fine, as they usually do, until we get to the subject of us and our marriage.

Went to bed and the husband wanted to have sex. Now, the night before he picked a fight and left me, today he acted as if nothing happened.

I just told him I didn't want to settle for a physical relationship only.

I want someone to love me. I want a husband who puts their arms around me and cares about me. Not just someone who uses me for sex and that's it.

Well, that pissed him off and he just started a big fight. He called me a whore. Told me there were MORE women he had had sex with.

I told him there was nothing he could say anymore that would hurt me or shock me.

All night as I would just fall asleep, he'd start up again.

So this morning I was exhausted and of course upset from the verbal/emotional beating I took from him last night.

This morning he said he was filing for divorce. And since the motorcycle I just bought was in both our names, he was going to surrender the bike to the bank. He said he was also taking my name off the cell phone account.

So, true to his word, he went to the bank about the bike as well as the cell phone company about the cell phone. He said he's contacting his attorney today.

All because I wouldn't have sex with him BECAUSE he is so awful to me.

So I had to go to the cell phone company and get a cell phone in my own name. Fine. Did it. Then went to the credit union about the motorcycle loan.

The thing is, he makes about 5 times what I make. BUT all of our debt is in both our names. Our house alone is $300K, so just with that debt, I'm "upside down" debt to income ratio. So, I'm pretty much screwed.

The gal at the credit union was nice and I applied for the loan in my name only to re-finance the bike, but honestly, I don't know if I'll get it because of the debt ratio.

Plus I just bought the new 2008 Fusion in my own name two weeks ago. (I put it in my name because of all this stuff with him, knowing I can't depend on him). So, at least I have a brand new car in my own name.

I've stayed in this marriage because of financial fears. Fears that I would be completely broke if I left. But I can't live with a person who cheats on me and calls me a whore. I am willing to go through the humiliating financial issues. I have to. I'll do the best I can, get a few more jobs if I have to. But I have to get out.

I'm SO sad too. Sad that I did love him and he broke my heart. Sad that I had such great expectations for us and our children, and now it is all trashed, ruined. Sad that we couldn't fix it. Sad that we are becoming yet another in the statistics of failed marriages. Sad for my kids most of all.

They didn't deserve this. Nobody does. I would never have had them if I knew this was even a possibility. I honestly thought we would beat the odds. All of his siblings are divorced, all of my siblings are divorced, most everyone I know is divorced at least once.

I really thought we would make it. Boy was I wrong.

But I just didn't know how to fix it. As much as I wanted it fixed, as much as I wanted him to love me and want me, and want our family and care about our family and our kids, it just didn't happen.

God's will, not mine. That's all I have. I'm alone in this world. Sure I have people that say I can count on them, but when push comes to shove, there are very few people you can actually count on.

So far I've been let down by just about every one.

I'm just lost. I didn't know how to fix the hurt I had, the sadness I had. I didn't know how to fix the marriage. I didn't know how to make the problems go away.

And I don't know how to do the rest of my life. But I guess it will be a baptism by fire. One day at a time, baby steps, etc. I'm going to try my hardest to behave with dignity. I want to be cooperative. I want to repair my relationship with my kids.

It is so damaged that it is overwhelming. I'm so beaten down by him that I've not been the person I needed to be for my children.

I love my kids so much. I'm so sad we've created this horrible life for them, and have changed the people they could have become.

Please say a prayer for us all. Any advice is more than welcome. I need all the support I can get right now. ~k.

I went to an antique show in Walnut, Iowa today. (I know...I live SUCH an exciting life!!!). I bought a cool vintage necklace and a sterling silver ring.

Came home and was supposed to go to a wedding reception with my husband. But after I showered and got dressed for the wedding, we got in the car and he made a crack about the ring I bought and that I was wearing it on my middle finger, left hand.

See, neither of us wear our wedding rings. This is a huge issue for both of us. For me, the issue is that wedding rings are obviously meaningless in this marrage, because my husband wore his each and everytime he screwed around. So, it doesn't symbolize love, committment, anything a wedding ring is supposed to symbolize. And because ours are meaningless, I took mine off.

So he took his off. But it makes him mad that I don't wear mine.

Hmmm.....it's okay for him to screw around. The wedding ring didn't keep him for doing that. But it isn't okay for me to take mine off because he screwed around.

Of course, it's easier for him to make a smartass crack about me not wearing my ring, than it is for him to actually address and fix the problems that lead me to remove mine in the first place.

So, as we were driving down our street, he picked a fight with me about this ring I bought. So, I put the car in reverse and came back home and said I wasn't going to the reception. He then got in his truck and left. So, here I am sitting at home on a Saturday night, dressed to go to a wedding reception, and he's out and about...missing in action, as usual.

So...what do you think HE'S doing right now? EXACTLY.

I think he picked the fight on purpose so I WOULD get mad, so he COULD leave alone and have an entire Saturday night MIA.

I'm so over this crappy marriage.

k

Okay, continued from Last Wednesday, and once again the torando sires are sounding. We actually had an F2 tornado Saturday night. The winds woke us up at about 2 am and the sires sounded shortly after that. The weather service now believes there were two tornadoes that consolidated into a larger one. Luckily, nobody was hurt. The casualties were mostly trees and trampolines scattered throughout the neighborhoods. Several houses lost their roofs. All in all we were lucky.

So I bought a car last Monday, brand new. And, of course it has been storming for a week and I'm so afraid that I'm going to get hail damage. I rode my scooter to work yesterday as well as to my CODA meeting last night. I love it!!! It's fun. I finally put gas in it yesterday, the first time since I purchased it a month ago. It took a whole 2.5 gallons and cost less than $10.00!!!! I'm lovin' it!!! Now if it would quit storming, I could drive it to work more often.

Things are weird with me and my husband. I think I'm closer to divorcing now than I ever have to being at the end. (I know...I've said that before). But honestly, I really am at the point where I do not think anything can fix this marriage. I think it's too far gone. Too much damage. All the love is gone, destroyed.

I've started having my nightmares again, which I haven't had for a while. Last night my entire dream was about my former "friend" with home my husband had an affair.

I really need some closure to this mess. I'm really ready to move on. I don't trust him. I don't respect him. I really am starting to truly hate him.

How could a person possibly come back from this point? I don't think it's possible. Oh sure, I think it is possible to stay in this situation, living day by awful day, resenting, suspecting. But not living and definitely not loving.

I feel stronger now than I ever have. And there is nobody else that I want. I just DON'T WANT THIS.

Well, the sirens keep going off. I need to round up my animals and put them in the basement.

Gotta go!! ~k